CHRISTINA DIMITRA

the sacrifice.

i hear you asking „but whar are you doing now?“

„i am expressing myself (my soul and my human mind) through visual art work, writings, face paintings, through facial expressions, through performing in front and behind my camera, through paintings on canvas,  collages and photography design.“

„this is my full time job. 24 / 7.“

„and to be really honest – it is fucking challenging, everyday.“

„i was born like this. i mean, i was born as an artist, since i know myself nothing really big changed immediately but step by step by step. time after time. after every breakdown there was this little voice in my head telling me „this is not your life“ „let it go“ „this is the end of this chapter“ or „this is not meant to be for you“ … „this is not your partner“… „this is not the city you want to live for the rest of your life“ „this is not the right job for you, even if it´s well payed.“

„for the first time,  in my life, i am able to open up and be naked, feel free, feel strong and wiser than ever before.“

„before i would keep all my ideas to myself.“

„before i would not talk about the things that really matters to me.“

„before i would do more things, others expect me to do.“

„before i would not want to dissapoint someone else, by saying no.“

„for the first time i know for sure, that i am able to spend my life with myself, able to travel alone with myself,  able to do things, i could not believe before. today i am more of what i was ashamed or scared of before. afraid of being alone. afraid of listening to my deepest thoughts.“

„today i am more of what i tried to hold back for a long time.“

„i am more powerful, more aware, i work isolated for myself. the thinking process is endless but inspiring. today i know i am enough for myself. i don´t need anyone to prove that i am good enough. i don´t think about being good enough – but make sure i do more of what i really want“

(spending less money on furnitures, spending less money on clothes, spending less money – spending more time into my art work and using more of my energy for conversations, dialogues, writings and for my visual art work, using more of my energy for building up what i want)

„…finally able to listen to my intuition. finally able not to say yes – if i mean no.“

„i am working on myself and i will always continue to do so. working on my inner state of mind, which means it´s the hardest part because i had to teach myself to name my fears,  to write them down, the ugly pain, face my story, to face my past. I teached myself to reflect my own thoughts and change different perspectives so i could find a way to sort the negative beliefs  / thoughts about myself out.“

„i want to be aware of what i think and feel , able to handle it.“

„my ego is my worst enemy. i had to give up so much more. right now i don´t live a regulated life. i chose a life, far away from my family and far away from people who unfortunately hold me back from growing. (often unknowing)  people i love.“

„i am sacrificing a lot because i want to do a good and a greater job.“

„i am sacrificing a lot because i know – one day it will pay off.“

„i am my own businesspartner, my own mentor, my motivator, teacher, my own trainer, my biggest challenge in life.“

„my state of mind needs to be strong and balanced enough and opened and free, so i am able to believe that anything is possible, so i am able to prepare myself, get out and be what i want to be, belive even the greatest things are possible, believe i can because i want it.“

„believe it –  you will.“

„how i react, how i decide and what I choose everday – becomes more and more important – a vision chose me – i feel responsible to make wiser decisions.“

„i believe i was born to remind some of you , fuck this voice in your head saying – but you can not, saying but you are not smart enough not healthy enough, not good enough, not good looking enough, not worth it – fuck this voice – able to prove this little voice – i am more. i am so much more i could think of.“

„if i can not ? who else then?“

(that´s what my higher self is answering after any mindwar)

„if not me ? who else then?“

„if not me ? who ?“

„i got something to say. of course i am scared , we all are – but i got something to say and i can not let my ego win.“

 

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