CHRISTINA DIMITRA

„hate and love.“

„she hates me for living my life the way I want. they don’t want me to be happy. If they would , they would make sure I get what I need. But they don’t call they don’t visit. They don’t listen. They judge. They don’t ask me how I feel. They don’t want to hear that I feel shitty. And if I talk, they judge again. You know how this hurts? I let you go for a long time. Unfortunately you are my parents. I love you somehow. And I don’t even know how this can possible.

Let me live the way I want.

You broke me. And I am still standing.

War is over.

 I am not lucky I survived it.

I am fighting harder than ever before.

I wished I could throw up.

I feel so bad today.

I become honest with myself 8 years ago. And this journey will continue for a long time. I don’t blame anybody.

But I am tired to continue like before. I am accepting my story.

I am writing my story.

I choose healing.

This self healing journey sucks right now.

I am proud of me and proud of who I am today.

But it was hard, hard, hard to keep on and to continue till I understood all of that.

I am my most authentic and higher self.

My heart deserves all the love.

I am sweet, cause I know that I must stop the circle of judgement.

I am strict because I don’t have time to loose.

I am honest because I don’t have fear of being judged anymore.

I live in Germany.

No one likes the Artists.

They are not supportive as I wished they would be.

The German system is a joke.

And it took me time to realize that I am still hurt cause my abusers were still in my life.

My sister is blind.

You need to cut off people who hurt you the most.

Distance is good.

I don´t want you in my life.

Meet me in 20 years.

When I am totally recovered.

And I wish you healing.

But that’s it.

My mother was my mental abuser.

She is not happy with herself.

She can´t stand herself.

She is a good actor.

She tries hard to open up. But she is liar.

So its not healthy anymore.

She was like a best friend.

She was not a good mother.

 She was a abuser.

She is thinking of herself.

She doesn’t care about my feelings. She doesn’t.

She does not want me to choose my dream. She don’t believe in god. She is lost.

I was listening to her problems and I was listening to my fathers issues all the time.

I was the therapist of the family.

I was strong because I am able to love enough and accept the hate of this family. Hate is a old pain. The wish of being loved.

„I see your pain. You are in pain. You are scared of life. Don’t you? You are scared of failures. You failed because you didn’t respect my feelings. And you didn’t respect your own. You are not happy together. And you both are scared of the truth. Sometimes I thought if this is marriage I don’t want it. Today I know what love is. Self love means acceptance. Trust. Today I know it takes time to forgive. I tried so many times and I try to see you as innocent as possible.“ 

I was judged for my fucking feelings and emotions everyday.

Of course I was a perfectionist. Maybe I felt alone for a long time. It was hard for me to understand that I don’t feel accepted. I was judged. Today I know what I am and what not.

Today I am lucky to say, I know myself. I am difficult. But I don’t expect much. I want to heal.

„She called me stupid most of the time.“

„One day she asked me: Who is going to marry you like that?“

And I said:

A beautiful man with a great mindset. And if not : I love myself enough.“

She made me believe I am mentally sick.

She blamed me or her husband.

But never changed something. She is a poor thinker.

I was rebellious since the day I was born.

I was protecting the wrong people.

I was loving the wrong people.

I was loyal to wrong people.

You don’t deserve my love.

You deserve my middle finger.

I can´t respect you.

Cause you are still disrespectful.

I just left whenever I wanted and returned home drunk whenever I wanted and she was yelling at me and talking disrespectful as usual.

When I told her that I do drugs she said:

„I thought you would be stronger than this“ 

She does not want to hear it.

They don´t love me. If you would, you would want the Best for me. But you choose money above my feelings.

They don’t feel responsible for what they do and say.

„They never apologized. I wished one day you feel what I feel right now. I wish you self love and forgiveness for your own past and for a better future.“ 

„You lost me. And I won´t ever return again. You are the best teacher and the worst lessons I had to experience. You are the biggest abuser in my life. And I did not understand that you have been still. I thought about violence. But you fucked with my mind and I am tired of you. I won´t believe anything you say. You are a liar. Stop blaming. You are not good for me. I am not willing to continue with you. I don’t want to hear your voice for a long time.

 I am thankful that my soul was incarnated in this body. But that´s it.

Maybe one day I will be able to forgive you and myself.

 But not right now.

It takes more time than I thought.

As I get older I become more honest with myself.

This is healing. Healing does not feel sexy right now.

Of course I am sweet, of course I am loving.

Only self love heals.

And I am able to stop the circle of judgment.

Cause I am not willing to continue war.

I am not guilty.

I am not the abuser of your life.

You are your own abuser and unfortunately you have been mine.

I was your child. And you forgot my feelings.

Today I use my feelings to create.

Lucky me huh?

You forgot my soul.

I forgot that I was powerful.

I forgot my voice.

I am speaking for those who can not.

You treated me disrespectful and bad.

I felt ashamed for you.

And today I got to focus on good and remind myself that it´s not my fault and that I am not the problem.

I am not the problem. Your ego was.

You are scared to loose.

I am not scared to loose.

I choose to win and fail and try all over again.

I trust in love that’s the only truth I believe in.

Your drama was to big.

You loved the drama.

You are either stupid or totally mentally sick Mother. You are blind.

You made me believe I was stupid and shit. You made me believe I am less worth. You have been the role model of woman, that I never wanted to become. So thank you also. Because today I am strong enough. I love like a child. I see the world like a child. I was your mother and your child. You failed and you know you did. You know. We both know.

You wanted this ´cause you did not know who you are. You forgot who you are. You forgot that you options. You forgot that your voice is powerful enough.

I was fighting for us.

I was talking to you so many times and tried to remind you of who you are. But you don’t want my love. You don’t want to change. So I did. I changed. I left. I won’t regret anything I ´ve ever said.

I was the son of the family.

I was my fathers friend.

I was your enemy and your beloved daughter.

I was hurt by you because you knew I was intelligent and strong. You thought I was naive? Love is not naive. Love means trust in the right moment. Love means hope for a better future. Love means pain and discipline. Love means forgiveness. Love means God.

You are abusive with your words.

You are manipulating.

I remember whenever I felt what I felt, you were saying „stop lying“ and turning away. One day you said „I have a sick daughter“

Do you remember this sentence „my daughter is sick“?

 And sometimes I believed it.

And I thought you were right.

I thought you are the victim of the family.

But you are the abuser.

You are not just a victim.

You are the abuser and the victim. You don’t want to stop lying.

So I chose my truth. So I chose career. So I chose personal development. So I chose books.  So I chose another and another and another town.

I have nothing left to loose. I am here to win.

You are danger.

You are a gun. I am the smoke.

I was depressed because we had so much drama at home.

It was never safe. Never. I was willing to recreate my idea of the world. And I was painting and designing and acting and laughing and talking to my higher self. I was praying everyday.

I thought I want to believe in something higher.

I want to live the life I want.

You love tragedy don’t you?  You are scared of love, Mother. You are all scared of love. You want to be loved but you don’t open up you are scared to love yourself. You are scared because you think you don´t deserve the love.

You can not forgive yourself don’t you? 

You are not able to forgive your past don’t you? 

I am empty. And still loving. And still forgiving.

Sometimes you would call me to make me delete my sentences.

I am shocked cause you wanted me to return and stay with you.

Why would I ?

How can you love me , when you hate yourself the most?

How you treat yourself , is how you treated me.

How can I trust you ever again?

You deserve to be left.

You needed me.

I never needed you.

I want respect. I want my feelings to be respected. I want peace of mind. Take it all. I don´t need it.

You wanted me so you offered money. You tried to destroy my dream. You don’t believe in god. How can you believe in me?

You can not buy my love.

I loved you cause you are my mother.

But I don’t wanna see your face at least for a year.

I want you to bleed the way I bleed right now.

My soul is bigger than my personality.

One moment can change your whole life.

All I was working for makes sense right now.

My mind is a powerful tool.

I am more than a woman, more than artist.

I am pure love.

Your words hurt me.

I had no safety.

I was your protector.

But my love was not enough for you.“

 

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