„erneut.“

„schreib das nicht. sag das nicht. sei glücklich. sei so nicht. sei nicht hier. sei dort. sei doch dankbar. hör doch auf. wieso denn das. wieso jetzt. warum nicht morgen. was?“

„ihr stellt mir lauter dumme fragen. wie wär´s wenn ihr euch einfach mal mitteilt?“

„ich liebe… ich mag das nicht..“

„ich will …. ich werde nie…“

„das klingt negativ.“

„und?“

„ich wähle mich.“

„(for now)“

based on love and based on acceptance I say: „accept it as it is right now.“ 

I know that mostly men feel under pressure sometimes and I say: choose the perspective of love again and acceptance is leading you to a calm peaceful state. I do the same. If I can not control a situation : I just let it go. It´s not in my power to decide right now. I can only remind others and myself if I am charged. I am re-charged atm.“

„it is how it is right now. for you it´s meant to be like this right now. for me it´s meant to be like this right now.“ (out of a calm acceptance. out of a peaceful acceptance. out of a spiritual acceptance.)

I really took my time off to reload and sometimes I have blockades and it´s okay. writing means : trust. and there is a time for us to write and a time for us to reload. (everyone is in another chapter. me personal : I am re-loaded atm I feel calm right now, I feel sure right now, I trust right now.  (Please don´t worry, it does not lead you to a solution. you might worry and won´t find the answer for now. time will.)

For a reason (and I believe in acceptance and in god) I say: I know what I do. I know that patience and believing in good – goes hand by hand. If I change my decisions intuitive – than out of personal reasons. I am allowed to decide : new, new, new. 

„i wanna be honest again: there are different ways to write and I am not afraid to be skillful anymore. i am willing to let go of old fears again. old fear is not leading me to „a peaceful direction.“ my decisions are based on love and acceptance right now.“

„I feel and see and know that this instagram generation is looking for advices. if you are stressed atm : let go of control.“

„if you are tired sleep. if you are under pressure – accept and let go. accept as good as possible. if you are mad – let go of control. if you are aggressive ask yourself : why am I aggressive? am I talking to people who are not able to understand what I am saying? right now? then leave the room for a while. time will show.“

„I accept it as it is right now. Let go of old. I focus on a peaceful future. I trust right now.“ 

(out of acceptance and commitment)

„Amen.“

„I wanna go see and find a good energy healer in berlin. (my mom gave me that advice and I said I wanna do it in berlin cause I love berlin. she wanted me to stay in this village. I just felt visiting them to get a rest (my burn out was heavy but I feel good again. all I wanted was emotional safety. Judged everywhere I go. But I keep my word. I keep standing. George understands me. He is so funny. And yesterday we started our „deep honest dialogue.“ we are going to record it and show it on my upcoming exhibition…keep it in mind : 11th-14th April at Gartenstr. 114 (we are def going to share the invitation soon) 

he is really supportive. thank you George. 

we wanna show the world what´s real. and talk about it.

we still say: do it for the history. and we will. thank you for your support so far. digital era is still inspiring.“ (so… thank you world wide straight and from the bottom of my black heart.) 

when I kept repeating myself at home (Esslingen am Neckar)  I had to protect my energy again and keep reminding my parents that I was born to do so. (Willing to repeat myself till everyone get´s it…) 

„annoying huh?“

And of course my mom tried to keep me and offered me new „options“ but No. You know Lena, what I said: „I don’t love you anymore. I said it. I did. I said: I don´t love you anymore and I hope this sentence is clear enough so you can let me go. From soul to soul. Let me live and be the woman I am.“ (We are fine now. We keep a healthy distance cause they won´t ever understand who I am and what I have been through to become this strong.. and I am fine with that still. I just kicked the chair and through it against the wall.“ (of course she was shocked. but I don’t care.) 

i made an appointment to meet a therapist and we are definitely going to talk about my mental state. I am ready for that. I am really curious now to know if he is able to tell me the truth. I am open for that. I want that. More than ever.

„i pray for the world as often I want and I don´t regret anything I did or say. never. as I said. I tell people straight if necessary and I would remind them of their beauty everyday all over again and I tell you something: drug addicts are everywhere. there are people shooting people for no reason… can I be honest? No one has the answer right now. I don’t think so. I think this „digital chaos“ is necessary again…“

I met an old man back then in New York , a drug addict on the street and gave him a lighter. he was respectful and kind and thankful for starting a little dialogue. I don’t judge people. I don´t. I was able to work well with people as long as they did not take my sentences personal. I choose acceptance and trust and love and mental support and respect.“

„I am struggling with my own time management and I am willing to say it again. my own mother : never tried drugs. my father is a great father and was a difficult husband. I don´t take it personal. I don´t. It´s their thing. “

let me tell you straight how I talked to her when I was pissed:

„willst du aus mir ´ne Mösenleckerin machen oder was? ihr wollt immer noch auf Eltern spielen man.“

another example: 

„Danke Ma.“

„….“

„Danke Ma.“

„…“

„Was sagt man Ma?“

„Bitte.“

„If you ask me? She thinks to much and feels to little.“

„and now forgive me mum (she is going to be pissed now) but it is how it is. I know you try your best. but I am willing to keep the distance and continue being the artist that I am. my aunt is not talking to me and not responding but I want her to know now officially :

„wenn ich dir vergeben hab und dich umarme, heißt es nicht, dass ich mich dir unterwerfe. es war das Angebot für „neuen Frieden“. (Solange du dich bei mir nicht entschuldigst, werde ich dich nie mehr wieder ansehen. Es ist Okay. Du entscheidest hier mit. Du entscheidest ob du die Kreise mit mir brechen willst, für deine Vorfahren oder nicht. Wenn du es nicht tust, muss es wohl ein Nachfolger tun. Sehr egozentrisch meine Liebe. Aber auch ich lebe, damit egozentrischer zu werden. Denn egozentrisch heißt wohl : Erst komm ich und dann die Anderen. Und das ist so ziemlich gesund wie ich begriffen habe.“

„Egozentrisch will ich sein. Erst Ich und dann kommen die Anderen. Sehr ernst gemeint.“

„Do it for the culture.“ 

„Do it for the culture.“ 

11:41 Uhr Donnerstag 28.März  2019

„sending you back to you.“

„i love your hair. because it´s different. i love the way you speak and your jokes are really funny.“

„i love the way you sip on the beer.“

„i love the way you sit and just feel comfurtable.“

„i love the way we met the really first time.“

„i love the way we used to run drunk and sit in a cap and just live our lives.“

„what happened bitch?“

„i love the fact that she was waiting for me in the kitchen acting not really interested. but waiting for me to tell her stories. she was to proud to say it. she was here, i was here, we forgot that we both have been afraid to let go of each other. because we knew it´s time.“

„sometimes it´s time to close 1 door. so new things are coming our ways. and it can get dramatic as fuck.“

„come on hit me.“

„i won´t. i won´t.“

„give me my phone.“

„no it´s mine now. are you materialistic huh?“

„are you broke. yeah.“

„you feel it. you feel it. you are going to know when it´s time to move on. i told you, i am here. you choose if you want drama or healing. you choose with me. and i got to protect my soul. enough fights. enough drama. enough empty talks. enough paranoia. enough differences. enough promises. enough time. we gave each other 5 years. enough time to grow up and become responsible. enough time to rethink. enough time to change. enough time to choose. enough time to talk and become honest.“ 

 

„new world idea, perspective, mind changing.“

„a poet“

 

is someone willing to share words, speak his / her truth.

if there are different styles to write, there are of course.

different ways to express.

different ways to learn and use it creatively.

„a philosopher“ is sharing wisdom with the world.

„a teacher“ is willing to pass knowledge and repeat the information.

„a human being is experiencing painful lessons in order to choose and decide. a human being can decide to choose light or shadows or both.“ 

„a woman is judged anyway. a guy is not allowed to cry. we are all soldiers at the end.“

„working for the systems means , following rules of course. if you have boss you have a boss.“

working out of society means „I am willing to die alone. I am willing to travel if necessary. I am willing to be judged as a Wulf. I am willing to let go of materialistic ideas. I am willing to die for those I love. I am willing to change in order to succeed. I am willing to stay strong. I am willing to overcome fears and hate and jealousy. I am willing to return to myself. I am willing to speak. I am willing to feel scared. I am willing to die alone. I am willing to loose. I am willing to choose risk for hope.“

„working for humanity means willing to see the struggles behind every human and every human as his own world view. my world view is „I am willing to forgive in order to start again. I am willing to write as a good poet would say „get on the chair and speak louder. don´t be afraid of the word battle.“ 

„working as an actor means „big discipline and concentration and peace of mind, too“. 

„working as an singer means „emotions and a big thinking process.“ 

„working as an painter means „willing to keep silence and paint all the information.“ 

„being a tourist / a travel photographer means „travel the world to get an idea of what is happening in another country. in another part of this world. go there and see. not just for instagram, for your own „new“ worldview..“

„it´s okay. I am willing to forgive you. because I still know who I am. I am willing to fight for all of us. Because I was born to do so. And I am tired. But this is a part of my biggest process.“

„new awakenings.“

explanation:

„to remind me that my work is necessary. to remind me that my work is speaking to all of us. to remind me that my will is good. to remind me that my work is inspiring. not used as a fuck and hate platform. but people choose not I. and I am not having sex with berlin fuckers. suck my dick. I thought we have been friends for such a long time? choose. are you still judging me? do you want to call me a „whore now for being myself?“ 

like Madonna was judged as a „whore? a bitch, a white bitch ? a slut?“

after Aaliyah died the called her „Angel“

after Whitney Houston died they called her „the worse for taking and using drugs.“

she was in need of trustful relationships.

like everyone of us.

like everyone that is experiencing this instagram era.

„we only find love in ourselves and in real life. real life is family and friends. and old values. please do not forgot who you are and where you came from. we are proud of our roots. we have no time to feel ashamed for our hairy bodies, for our fat asses, for our thick hair, for our tits and punanas, we are not in need of likes we are in need of „returning to love“ and love means „acceptance for what is right now.“ 

„if I am scared, I return to love. to acceptance and say „I love you I love you I love you.“ so my energy field is changing. I think this is really necessary if you don’t want to become a panic attack sometimes.“ (yeah I am sarcastic hehe) don´t be scared of your own feelings. stop judging and you start healing.“