(the art) of dealing with close enemies.

sometimes you gotta sit down and become honest with yourself.

i stopped drinking to see what happens.

i am full of energy these days.

i sleep better. 

i think better. 

i am faster. 

there was a time when i thought i was able to get rid of my fears.

but i can not.

i know my fears – that is enough.

i can get rid of my negative thoughts.

i can prepare myself and work on my mindset to make sure – i believe in myself.

that is important.

if i can´t believe in me – who else will? right? (no one. look at these people, most of them wanna put you down – most of them feel bad about themselves – about their past and don´t even have future plans, at least most people in germany – look at their faces – just sit down and have a ride in U8 and look how depressed most people are staring on the floor. pessimistic minds. unfortunately. and as i said – most of them not everyone. )

i do believe in myself.

more than ever. 

send me whoever. 

i know my values and i am so ready to fight my enemies. 

laugh and i laugh harder. 

and remember you can say what you want about me you don´t know me. 

i know myself.

no worries.

so again.

you don´t know me.

all you know is – yourself. 

you might talk about yourself – while you calling me a piece of shit – miserable as you might think you talk and you feel about yourself.

if you got good things to say – you might love yourself and be brave enough to accept me.

get out my life if you have nothing good to say. 

i can focus on „doing“ instead of „just hoping“. 

i decided to do more and care less about others opinions.

i do and say what i want.

i believe in greatness.

i can create and speak out whenever i decide.

i am young, healthy thinking and i am a smart woman.

hope is cute.

but i wanna make sure – i do enough.

i will make my vision come true. 

i don´t believe in luck. (heard this sentence by oprah years ago and gotta say – she inspired the shit out of me – i love you so much)

i believe in training and in process and i believe in disciplined study and i believe in preparation. 

i think we are all able to set our own personal goals and motivate ourselves to work towards something, we really want to do in this life.

for me there is a lot i wanna do.

and i got no time to waste.

i do this for us.

i do it for humanity. 

i do it to prove it to myself. 

i am a creative genius (that´s what i say and know).

think whatever, say whatever.

i know. 

it´s time to get serious and more specific about business.

so:

i want to know more about the art of making money.

i want to have fun while making money. 

i want to enjoy making money. 

so i can continue all my projects as I planned so far.

this life is short.

so i asked myself?

„how can i earn money – how can i bring more value to the market – and still be myself 100% – a fair money maker – you feel me ?“ 

i won´t change for anybody – but for myself – if i decide.

i don´t wanna act like – i am so important.

i am not important. 

of course i got an impact on people.

on my family. on my friends. even on strangers.

even on older persons. on business people.

on creative people and that´s beautiful.

somehow people enjoy listening and looking and talking, working with me. 

but …

i still don´t think i am important.

i think i am a great inspiration. i have a good energy. 

i think i am a great thinker and a wise speaker and quite good creator. 

so something personal about my latest trauma:

my aunt attacked me last summer – she told me – that i should learn how to calculate. 

the reason why she attacked me physically – was the reason of : money.

i think she learned her lesson.

she might was scared about my future plans.

i understand that i am the first artist in the family. but …

i want her to bag for forgiveness. 

i won´t allow negativity to destroy my dream.

i don´t care if she is older than me. i don´t care if she has money.

you can not stop me from becoming who i am and meant to be.

god is with me. 

whenever she came to tell me „you need to learn how to calculate“

my answer was : i know already how to calculate. what do you really want?

something pissed her really of.

maybe the fact – that i feel comfortable in my own skin. even when i am broke, maybe the fact – that i am not impressed by her money, or the calm – direct way i am talking, i don´t know. she was talking aggressive towards me and she wanted to hit me in a restaurant. (i just left but met her in the apartment and shit… it was not cool) 

she said „if you are kind – i am gonna give you my money. you could be my adopted heir.“

and i answered: „i am kind to you – if you are kind to me – you can not buy my respect. you can not buy me. but the way you talk and act is mean. i am not a prostitute. you are mean. so why should i be friendly? you are not able to by my sympathy? the answer is no. “ 

and yes i am writing about this negative experience – because that is my power.

it feels good.

i should keep this story in mind – cause it changed a lot for me.

she said„you gotta learn how to calculate if you wanna start your own business“ (she was shocked i didn’t want her money) 

and „i started my business already.“

so …

let´s just show her how to „make money“ that´s my next goal. 

i don´t want anybody to fuck with my feelings and talk disrespectful towards me and offer me dirty money.

i want to explore the art of making money. fast money. so i can invest in projects that serve me and humanity.

i think – if i had more money – dressed up as trump – in suits – my aunt would be like „respect“

(it is a bit ironic – cause i told her she acts like trump – i guess she respect him more and maybe cares less about a young underground artist like me. she doesn’t believe in me. she does not believe in herself neither. so i feel actually poor for her. she does not have kids. i am glad she does not. cause she is a bit difficult.) 

remember this:

i will become a business woman if necessary, a teacher, a student, an artist, a speaker, a game changer, a feminist, a poet, philosopher, a leader, a good – looking person, a joyful – money making – funny – lady, a writer, a disco queen and a traveler and a woman who enjoys life and explores her biggest desires and a woman who loves to talk about things straight / honestly and a woman who is strong enough to fight her worse enemies. 

(evil shit)

so what?

my answer today is :

okay, i got it…

and i´ve already started. 

 

let´s go get it (hehe)

(pride hurts)

some of us think that if we would start expressing our honest feelings, our truth – other would possibly judge us, consider us as weak.

but imagine the opposite.

you are strong if you are able to open up.

you are strong if you are able to be yourself.

you are strong if you face your fears.

you are strong if you are able to talk about your true feelings.

you are strong if you are sensitive.

you don´t have to hide your truth.

you don´t have to lie.

you just don´t.

stop lying and you start healing.

you are strong and people will love and respect you more – if you open up in a truthful way.

„i feel like …“ 

disciplinary.

the last thing i would call myself is cool.

people call me „cool“ all the time.

i would say that i am not cool. 

i am aware of every word another person drops and i need to check on my surroundings a lot. sometimes i have to block some of my family members – so i can stay in my powerful state of mind – where anything is possible. i don´t want to waste time on explaining to much and i don´t allow others to fuck around with my energy anymore.

i don´t like to be destructed by negative sentences.

i just block, leave and ignore or confront if necessary.

i don´t deal with „you should-s“ anymore.

i ignore the „you should-s“ of others because I know what i got to do.

i do my best. 

so. my mindset needs to be checked every day. by myself.

my negative thoughts or fears need to be acknowledged and they need to be removed by myself. no one else can if – i can not.

if i am good – i am able to help others and if i can motivate myself – i am able to motivate you.

i practice awareness as good as i can. 

i want to stay high productive and need to balance my mindset everyday. 

i use my talents. i pass wisdom. 

i write, think, paint, perform, photograph and edit, i sing (just for myself) and i take care of anything else like anyone else.

to be an artist 24/7 means: 

hard discipline. 

i know that most of people might think „oh it must be fun“.

but the truth is that i don´t work as an artist because i feel like „it´s fun“ or it „seems cool“ 

i became an artist because i am an artist. since i was born.

i truly am.

it just took me a few years to figure it out and be really sure about it.

it just took me some time to understand my values and learn to protect my talents.

a strong emotion and the thought „i can not continue like this anymore“ made me turn around my life and decide for myself and become who i am more and more.

and i know – i am way much more than i say i am.

cause i am still shy.

eccentric and shy. (super great remix)

i am a teacher, a student, an autodidact. someone who passes his wisdom everyday, someone who explores ideas everyday and someone who is willing to solve problems, someone with open heart and someone with an great mindset. someone who collects ideas, someone who is motivating, someone who struggle daily as everyone else, someone who finds the answers and someone who cares about values, someone who fears, someone who creates and someone who shares ideas and knowledge from personal experiences. i am high sensitive. 

if i could describe the capacity of this work then i would say:

self control, battle, self confrontation, awareness, concentration, reflection, discipline, isolation, meditation, time management, reading, self developing, listening, focusing, motivating, strong believing and smart planning. 

this goes out to all people who think „being an artist is cool“.

i choose extra ordinary / (multi)disciplinary because „easy / simple“ bores me.

 

strong women, feared by you.

who would you be without your pride?

I care about you.

but decided I want to be surrounded by people who are not affraid to love me for who I am.

not affraid of me being to much, to loud, to bold and pretty or to wild.

your pride is standing in the way of our destiny.

you are affraid, I could hurt you.

you are affraid of a powerful woman.

you want to see me falling down.

you made me feel insecure about myself

and i did not even expect anything from you

so maybe that was my fault.

are you aware of your own thoughts?

are you listening?

how does it feel to ignore yourself?

i know how it feels to be ignored by you.

i can`t reach you.

strong women are fragile, too.

strong women are feared of men, men like you.

like for strong women, it is meant to be more challenging.

all my life I felt alone,

till I found my deepest voice.

back then when i was a child, i heard myself thinking „one day I´ll grow and I decide“.

love is not meant to be pretty,

love is brutally, honest.

so why is honesty considered hurtful?

I never meant to hurt you,

and I can´t let you down.

(heroic journey)-(unknown path)

 I am here to experience, to understand, to express it and to know and remember the truth, timeless as it is.

I give my best to transform my honest feelings into images, to find the right words, bring `em on paper, able to remind us and reflect partadox, conflicting, contrasting nature of human.

We all seem connected in a invisible way.

Most of us are emotionally disconnected with themselves.

The Ego would ask you“What do I want, what can I get, what do I need?“

No matter how far you get, how rich or how popular you´ll become, you´ll only find peace, wisdom and love within your self.

Turn it around , what are you willing to give ?

Are you able to discover yourself? Are you able to confront yourself with you inner fears? Are you able to kill your own demons? Are you able to get rid of your own fears?

That´s how the real adventrue begins.

We are all seeking for an unknown place.

Is it freedom, is it peace, is it wealth?

I won´t work for the system.

But try to use it, to serve humanity instead.

I put god first.

I choose adventure.

I´ve deleted old plans.

EGO / AWARENESS.

YOU UNDERSTAND WHAT YOU ARE AND YOU MISSINTERPRET

WHAT YOU WANT TO.

YOU DECIDE IF YOU SUFFER AND SOMETIMES WE LIKE TO.

WE BELIEVE WHAT WE WANT TO.

WE CREATE OUR OWN DRAMA.

WE UNDERSTAND WHAT WE WANT TO.

WE CHANGE WHAT WE WANT TO.

WE FEAR WHAT WE DON´T UNDERSTAND.

OUR INTERPRETATION CAN BE HURTFUL , TOWARDS OURSELVERS AND OTHERS.

(WHAT A WASTE OF ENERGY)

TO  BELIEVE EVERY THOUGHT WE THINK.

OUR VIEW COULD BE NEUTRAL TOWARDS OURSELVES AND OTHERS.

MORE ACCEPTED. MORE PEACEFUL. FREE.

OUR VIEW CAN BE REPELLENT.

BUT WHAT IF WE BECOME AWARE OF OUR MINDS AND REACH AWARENESS AND NON ATTACHMENT?

 

 

 

 

High sensitivity, Awareness of thoughts, Creativity of light.

I am high sensitive that´s why I had to become aware of my thoughts and understand myself.

I am intelligent. I opened up to my inner self, I am intelligent because I accepted my higher self. I studied my human mind.

I focus on feeling, I focus on seing, I focus on listening.

I write.

I understand my past, I forgive my past, today I am the growing artist, able to enjoy a creative, free, loving life.

I am nothing, without the highest intelligence, I am a spritit, focusing and following the light.

Happiness is a decission, I won´t allow myself to loose my inner fights.

radical growth.

it is so easy to say yes,

it´s hard to say no.

it´s easy to judge,

so easy to blame.

it´s hard to trust,

it´s hard to believe,

it´s hard to choose risks.

give your best , expect less.

be honest with you, do what you do.

trust in your visions.

let go of what doesn´t belong to you.

it´s easy to live a routine life,

it´s easier to lie,

 so easy to destroy,

it´s harder to built

it´s easy to give up, so easy to hate,

it´s hard to continue in faith,

it´s easy to judge,

it´s hard to stay real,

it´s easy to talk,

it´s hard to listen,

it´s hard to love,

it´s hard to forgive,

 so open up ,

it´s hard to trust

but that´s how you grow. 

choose the hard way.

 

 

THE FEAR OF LOVE.

SELF CONFRONTATION MEANS ALLOWING YOURSELF TO FEEL HOW YOU FEEL AND KNOW IT WILL PAST AND GUIDE YOU TO SOMETHING NEW.

EVERYTHING CHANGES BY RECOGNIZING YOUR INNER FEARS.

YOU´LL UNDERSTAND, THAT FEAR IS JUST AN IDEA OF SOMETHING THAT COULD HAPPEN, BUT MIGHT AIN´T TRUE.

YOU´LL UNDERSTAND, THAT FEAR IS JUST ANOTHER PERSPECTIVE OF THE DESIRE FOR LOVE.

FOCUS ON NOW, FOCUS ON FEELING AND ASK YOURSELF „WHAT WOULD BE THE WORSE THAT COULD HAPPEN TO ME, RIGHT NOW?“

TAKE YOUR TIME , ONCE A DAY WHERE YOU ALLOW YOURSELF TO FEEL HOW EVER YOU FEEL AND ACKNOWLEDGE IT.

MOST PEOPLE ARE SCARED OF DARK THOUGHTS, SCARED  OF DEATH, SCARED OF PAIN, SCARED OF OTHERS REAL EMOTIONS.

WE CAN NOT CONTROL OUR FEELINGS, BUT ACCEPT THEM AND FACE THEM WITH LOVE.

WE ARE HUMAN. WE CAN´T ESCAPE FROM PAIN, CAN´T RUN AWAY OF OUR OWN TRUTH.

WE CAN DESTROY, WE CAN HEAL.

ALLOW YOURSELF, TO ACCEPT YOUR STORY, TO SEE YOUR PAST AS AN EXPERIENCE, AS LESSONS.

ALLOW YOURSELF TO USE YOUR EXPERIENCE WISELY AND USE IT IN A CREATIVE WAY.

YOU ARE ABLE TO DEAL WITH THE DARK AS YOU ARE ABLE TO FEEL JOY AND HAPPINESS.

AS HUMAN WE EXPERIENCE IT ALL.

YOU ARE ABLE TO ACHIEVE YOUR DREAMS, IF YOU OPEN UP, LISTEN TO YOURSELF AND IF YOU ARE WILLING TO LEARN, WILLING TO TRUST, YOU WILL.

SET YOUR OWN GOALS.

WRITE IT ON PAPER.

EVEN EVERY LITTLE STEP MEANS PROGRESS.

CHANGE YOUR PERSPECTIVE – WE GOT OPTIONS.

ENJOY THE PROCESS OF WHO YOU BECOME AND ALLOW YOURSELF TO FEEL, HOW EVER YOU FEEL,  TO LET GO OF THINGS THAT DOES NOT BELONG TO YOU ANYMORE, ALLOW YOURSELF TO GROW, TO CHANGE, TO BE.

FOCUS ON GOOD, FOCUS ON THE INTENTION OF LOVE.

LIFE IS TO SHORT.

WE LIVE IN A PROFESSIONAL, MATERIAL WORLD WHERE MOST PEOPLE ARE AFRAID OF LOSS, OF WEAKNESS, OF SADNESS.

ALL WE NEED IS TO TURN TO OUR INNER SELFS AGAIN AND STOP SEING EACH OTHER AS BODIES OR AS RIVAL.

WE ALL IN THIS TOGETHER.

WE ALL LAUGH, CRY, DESPAIR, SEARCH, LOVE.

WE ARE ALL SPIRITS, SHARING OUR LIFES FOR A PERIOD – WE ARE POWERFUL TO DECIDE – WHAT WE WANT TO GIVE TO EACH OTHER.

IF I REACH 3 PERSONS, THAT FEEL EMPOWERED BY WHAT I WRITE – I ALREADY WON.

I WANT TO INSPIRE YOU , I WANT TO SHARE MY IDEAS WITH YOU, I WANT YOU TO FEEL FREE TO BE YOURSELF AND TO FEEL MOTIVATED TO BECOME WHO YOU WANT TO BE IN THIS WORLD.

IT IS MUCH HARDER, TO STAY SOFT AND LOVING.

IT IS TO EASY TO BLAME OTHERS AND CHOOSE HATE.

HUMAN PAIN IS SO NATURAL.

I CHOOSE LOVE. I CHOOSE DREAMS AND CREATIVITY.

I DON´T KNOW – WHY MOST PEOPLE CHOOSE TO BE PROFESSIONAL AND ACT HAPPY INSTEAD OF BEING HONEST WITH THEMSELVES AND TALK ABOUT WHAT REALLY MATTERS AND ABOUT WHAT WE HAVE IN COMMON.

WE ALL SHARE HUMAN PAIN, WE ALL EXPERIENCED PAIN, LOSS, HATE, WE ALL SHARE THE SAME FEELINGS, FEARS BECAUSE WE ARE ALL HUMAN.

WE DECIDE HOW WE DEAL WITH IT , WE DECIDE IF WE HEAL EACHOTHER OR DESTROY AND IGNORE EACHOTHER, SO WE GOT OPTIONS.