„new awakenings.“

explanation:

„to remind me that my work is necessary. to remind me that my work is speaking to all of us. to remind me that my will is good. to remind me that my work is inspiring. not used as a fuck and hate platform. but people choose not I. and I am not having sex with berlin fuckers. suck my dick. I thought we have been friends for such a long time? choose. are you still judging me? do you want to call me a „whore now for being myself?“ 

like Madonna was judged as a „whore? a bitch, a white bitch ? a slut?“

after Aaliyah died the called her „Angel“

after Whitney Houston died they called her „the worse for taking and using drugs.“

she was in need of trustful relationships.

like everyone of us.

like everyone that is experiencing this instagram era.

„we only find love in ourselves and in real life. real life is family and friends. and old values. please do not forgot who you are and where you came from. we are proud of our roots. we have no time to feel ashamed for our hairy bodies, for our fat asses, for our thick hair, for our tits and punanas, we are not in need of likes we are in need of „returning to love“ and love means „acceptance for what is right now.“ 

„if I am scared, I return to love. to acceptance and say „I love you I love you I love you.“ so my energy field is changing. I think this is really necessary if you don’t want to become a panic attack sometimes.“ (yeah I am sarcastic hehe) don´t be scared of your own feelings. stop judging and you start healing.“

acceptance & commitment.

„My friend R. said I am pure and intelligent.“

„My mother says I am a liar.“

„My father says „be happy Christina, I want you to be happy.“

My sister says „You just forgot that I love you. What do you want?“

I am saying: „I love you all and I want the best for you. And I wanna create as long as I live.“

„I know my truth and I will always speak my truth as long as I live.“ 

 

personal revolution(s).

„i feel really good and balanced today. really good. my mom and me , we are talking  since yesterday night again. i see and read and feel the change.

it´s huge. she sounds different.

her words are chosen more aware.

that´s respect.

it was a heavy road, man.

it´s been a long road.

but today i can say : i am overwhelmed and proud to see and experience this huge change. i thought they would never change.

let see we are learning and growing, reflecting, we are starting the dialogues now.

it´s new for me to see that , people i love are willing to reflect on their past and become aware of their own thoughts and words.

this means a lot.

For a better future you know?

wow.

man life is good.

so good right now.

good, good feelings right now.

success.

that´s the feeling of success.

yeah.

my heart mom you are in my heart.

sometimes we got to fight and argue in order to return to ourselves, willing think, willing to reflect , for a better future.

for a better conversations based on trust.

some leave. some return. but distance is a good idea sometimes. nothing is fine. we all got a past. it´s okay to argue if necessary. but respect is important. tolerance is important.

truth always wins. love always wins. love means acceptance. and tolerance. hate is disrespect. and if someone attacks you scream, yell, do something. express your emotions and don´t be afraid to fight your enemies for a better future. if your will is good. no worries.

It´s okay to talk about it and share our experiences in order to learn from past mistakes.

„big personal revolution“ it was long road till now. depression is real. it´s a real thing. stop lying and you start healing. we are on our roads and patience is everything.

respect is another thing.

(i was always talking about the brain, about self reflection, self confrontation, self healing (based on my mindset and emotions and feelings, fears. juxtapositions, always. you know and i know. we all know. u don´t want me to succeed huh? but i won my own metamorphosis.)

i write about my personal experiences and i write in so many different ways.

in german, english.

in different moods , ways of expression.

do you remember when i said „i got 100 ways to express?“ 

hmm.

i am just saying.

i am gifted and i stay grateful for ever.

i am modern , i am new , i am mixed  , i am proud being greek and I have the big , big influence of germany because i was born and raised here so i am strict and direct and keep myself disciplined like german people truly are. 

we are not separated from each other.

i got say i am willing to share so others can get inspired of my personal road.

i am high sensitive, i am strong, i am a woman, an universal soul.

and i won´t change for anybody but I return to myself as good as I can,

More and more and now just thought about it again.

Great. Ugh.

Like „Boom“

I mean my mother and me, we were fighting and arguing for a long time.

A loooooong time.

Boom.

I feel the change time after time.

It´s not possible to explain this feeling right now.

Not possible.

It´s worth 1.0000000000000 words but I can´t so I won´t even try.

My patience was worth the ups and downs all my life and I am willing to learn, grow, listen, share my wisdom.

I am serving you right and you know it.

You know it.

Everything I want, is good for all of us.

For all of us.

And I am smiling this is freedom right now.

We are never done.

We are still learning.

Forgiving.

We won´t forget.

But we start transforming and I feel the Joy right now.

Everyone of us.

This is love.

Haha.

This is love.

Acceptance.

Omg.

I love her and I won´t regret anything I did and say.

I am not Jesus not God.

I am just a little piece of this big world.

I am proud of us.

And by us I mean the few that know now.

This is chaining.

New.

Good will always be attacked.

Always.

But truth always wins.

This has been a big big big big lesson for me..  for 28 years? Okay.

And now I say:

Punnanananaanananananananananannaannanaananannanaa. 

„never to late“

„It´s never to late to apologize to another person.“ 

(And I am not a role model.)

Never wanted to seem like a role model.

I always said that.

Straight from the beginning.

Still a great person. 

Never wanted to act like a role model. Because I am not. I am wild. Free thinking. Expressive. Shy. Eccentric. Original. Sad. Straight. And I am a bold soul. I play big. I talk big or say nothing at all. I share big or isolate myself and work. I think big. I work intense. And that´s. what I choose daily. For now. 

 And I am not afraid of others negative opinions about me anymore. I don´t give to much weiht on negative opinions. I am not dating. I don´t like the new way of communication.

I am hard on myself. (I am working my ass off because I am highly productive…  I use my talents and keep up with my own daily rituals)

It´s hard for me enough to keep up with my higher self.

I choose it and I can handle it.

I produce so much… my head is fast and I am grateful to meet people with kind interest for my work and for my persona to talk about it.

People with open minds and open hearts and natural interest,  just ask.

I am interested in people´s stories, too. Maybe more than in mine.

But mostly I work so … I am continuing to reflect on myself…

.

Honest communication is key. (is rare and we know this already. It´s okay. I don´t if this world will ever change… but I am changing my mind step by step) 

I appreciate loyalty.

I appreciate honesty.

I appreciate support.

And I appreciate a good sense of humor.

And I appreciate people with original mindsets and reflecting mindsets. 

Open enough to just accept and listen. 

For me a beautiful mindset means: A forgiving attitude.

„Stop blaming me for not being able to forgive your past.“

That means big strength, too. (In my eyes) 

„It´s not easy to apologize, It´s not easy to forgive. It takes courage and years to open up all over again and again and again… „

„It´s never to late to apologize if you have been ignorant to others feelings.“ 

(Do it if you feel like it one day and it´s means big strength and it takes courage to do so…)

.

„For some reason people take my kindness for granted. I am not in need of love. I am sorry If you thought I am searching for your „Yes“ I „love myself enough to keep on my reflecting work.“

You can not expect love from strangers.

I don´t.

Either you find it inside of you or you will always ask for it and wait for it…. I am loving myself enough because I decide it everyday…I am returning to my soul.. able to forgive and able to apologize and able to reflect on the past and focus on a new and better future.

(It´s not easy to love and accept myself. But I return daily and I remind myself daily. It´s work and it takes daily discipline and practice.)

Real strength means : you are able to open up to yourself and keep on listening even if it´s painful. 

I am not living this life for anybody else but for my soul. And If I am able to share my life with another person one day , I will for sure. I am willing to learn and I am willing to accept myself. 

We don´t have to prove anybody that we are good or bad. We don´t. I consider myself as „bad“ because I was used to hear that. You know.. But I don´t wanna say I am good… that´s to much pressure for the rest of my life.

„All my life I´ve been considered as the worse. Lying to my momma even stealing out her purse.“ (Biggie) 

„He was really honest man…. Puh…“ (Respect you so much … so much…)

We are filled with light and shadows.

That´s natural.

If you become honest… you will become a great artist.

That´s a big deal.

And the risk is bigger than you might think.

 I am risking: My whole family. 

I started so honest.

And didn’t know people would read me in different areas in the world.

But still respect me.

Thank you for being a part of my healing journey.

I appreciate it endless and I always will.

People will always find reasons – to blame another person, another culture, another situation…other men.. or the world… their own past … their whatever….

It´s hard to become really honest with yourself and say: „Puh I should apologize right now. To myself, to my body again and to a few people.“ (or just use it creatively and write it down for your personal reasons and let it go right after. If you become honest with yourself you start healing. It´s the moment you start crying and understand how much strength it takes to listen… and follow your thought and go back to your past… to understand yourself… now.) 

Most blame – cause it´s easy.

It´s easier to blame another person.

It´s easier to blame and easy to regret right after.

„How do you sleep? Stop blaming and you are going to sleep better.“ 

Blame is easier. But it feels so much heavier. 

I start reflecting on my own thoughts… I start with this woman right here… sometimes I forget that I am a woman. Friends of mine got to remind me more often… I forgot that I am a woman … and there are men out there who misunderstand my „truth“ sometimes.  (I say sometimes) 

And it is sad that there are women out there who hate me for being myself right now and for healing the way I am right now. It´s a sad situation and sometimes I forget that it might seems so strong to them.

Because I do it on my own.

And I am used to that.

I am used to listen to myself.

To reflect.

It´s nothing new.

Still painful sometimes and heavy.

Sometimes joyful.

It does not feel strange anymore.

I know myself because I am a good listener.

And my body reacts if I lie to myself. So I stopped 8 years ago and there are still misunderstandings with myself. It´s never done. The process for any of us continues for the rest of our lives. And that´s good.

„I am starting crying now… that´s healing now…. I guess.. yeah this is healing… as she hurt me she gave me so much. I returned to myself and requested her love to me. She was my biggest teacher and she was the opposite I am today. She was willing to experience hell on earth. She was tired and stressed all the time. Because she was not able to forgive her past. She worked a lot. She was not willing to listen to herself. She wanted to continue the life as a victim and felt poor about herself as she did when she was younger. I felt she was in need of me. She could not be alone with herself. She didn’t like the idea of being alone. I felt I was responsible to help her. I don´t like the word „help“ anymore. Because you just help „weak minded people who are not willing to change and continue blaming others“

 I felt and I thought I was the only hope for her and kept reminding her … she did not listen. She didn´t. She was not willing to listen. Not willing to reflect on her decisions. She was ignorant to herself and her kids. And I don´t blame her. She was not able to open up to herself and just make her own decisions. I felt it was weak. I promised myself I want to become strong. Not weak. 

I felt she would wake up one day. 

But she never did till now… she is still blaming me for „hating“ on her.

She is still saying „I am blaming her.“

„I don´t hate her. I don´t blame her. I share my truth now. I decided to write and be the artist that I am today. And also the person that I am today. My reflecting journey is based on my personal truth. So, I wish her healing. I wish her to become honest with herself. I wish her tolerance for what I am today. Even if she doesn’t like. I am the artist you made out of me. I am the person you made out of me and I chose to change my mindset and open up creatively  and honesty. And therefore I say : 

„Thank you. Still. You made a radical feminist out of me. And he made me run my own race and become sure about myself. Remember?“ 

(I still love em… But that´s how I love… because I am strong. She was not a reflected person but a great teacher. She was a hard lesson and a beautiful woman. She was a smart and intelligent woman. She was strong but weak with her decisions. She was lying to herself and to me. Straight into my face… day by day. So … Today … I am still single and she keeps asking me if I wanna marry … Is that important right now? Is this the answer for my problems?) 

They are still waiting for me to say „Hey guys I am going to marry“ (That´s the easiest decision. I am still healing… That´s bigger right now. I don´t want to blame anyone who is entering my life. I choose respect and I choose eye level. I want trust.

And that feels much better than blame.

It´s easier to blame my past.

But I found a way to switch and to design my future.

I am willing to share my time with people because now I know it´s sucks to work isolated sometimes I want to listen to others.

If I give up, I loose. I won´t give up. I am winning right now. So let´s continue… 

I express my truth, I accept it.

I accept my past, I write my words down , I share it … I open up for personal reasons. I open up for hope. Someone is going to read this… I am reading this first. And it feels good to be honest. It feels sad and good. Because It´s true.

If I wanna start doing music, I do it because I want to use my emotions creatively. I don´t want to be fame. Look what happened to Amy. Her father was happy for her money. Great.

I choose safety within myself. 

I want to be sure about my steps.

I want to express my truth that´s it.  It´s a part of healing. (That´s how I look at it)

I am opened enough and strong enough to accept my past and their pasts and their stories as I accept my life.

I don´t give a shit about people who try to blame others for „being productive, for working hard, for changing their mindsets in order to succeed or for trying everyday… for choosing new ways…for being emotional.. for being high sensitive… cause I am.“ 

I am not kind to „people“ who are not thankful for what I am now.

I think they deserve to be ignored if they don´t like who I am right now… Go then. Don´t read me then.

 I leave the table if there is no respect for me and no room for me to be myself…I choose to be my honest self.

I am not afraid of their judgment. They can judge me. I am a white (almost white) woman.

So?

„Yeah come on yell at me. My attitude is to much right? Good. Is it because I am sure ?“ 

I choose myself before anybody else.

I choose peaceful thinking.

Without judgment.

I am tired of heaviness.

I am willing to listen to myself first and then to others.

I don´t go back to a life, based on misunderstandings.

Based on lies.

Who wants that? 

Around 3 years ago I wrote this:

„a) Adult Song – a communication that doesn’t´t seem that honest anymore.“ 

(Just think about it. Honesty is rare. Most are afraid of themselves.)

I am confronting myself everyday. And I am scared, too. But I am willing to continue.

I trust mostly in myself. I trust in god.

But I got trust issues with others.

I love animals most.

And kids.

Kids are pure and honest.

I can´t stand liars.

And most keep lying to themselves.

And that makes it a bit hard for me to accept this fact.

Honesty is rare because most people don´t even know themselves. 

And I accept that.

healing process.

„ya but now you´re healing and healing does not have to look sexy.“

„healing means acceptance“

healing means „self – confrontation. self – questioning. self – accepting.“ 

self love is not rare. we are human. it means we got to practice and stay aware of our own thoughts. i am aware of my negative interpretations about myself. i understand that sometimes I treat myself disrespectful and awful. all i want is to believe in myself and in others. my ego is big. i am willing to accept my ego and look at my ego as a protection. i also choose to heal. i choose love. i don´t want to live my life based on fear.“

„your ego can be useful. don´t be afraid. your pain is teaching you new skills. request your pain.“

„let´s take our time.“

 

wow.

decide with whom you want to sit down and talk about your personal questions, business or life or whatever…

we all need skills.

we do.

it´s a never ending learning process.

but it´s fun and interesting.

you are able to see and become the change, enjoy the ride and meet different kind of people who might are inspiring to you in a way…

pick your teacher, pick your mental coaches, pick the quotes you need and keep them in mind.

be thankful for advices and learn to thank persons around you who pass you their wisdom or knowledge.

people who are not afraid to let you know „how beautiful and intelligent you are“

most are not brave enough to tell you „how beautiful you are and how unique and how intelligent and funny.“

it´s nothing you get easily.

most won´t tell you the truth.

the truth is love.

people get payed to pass their knowledge.

people get payed to pass their wisdom.

big successful and rich people pass their wisdom wisely.

not as foolish as i am. 

i am wring because i feel like i can not stop.

i am obsessed. 

but it is a great obsession.

i am thankful for this kind of obsession. 

cause i got a lot more of `em. hehe. 

again: good advise, a good listener, a smart talker and a loyal person who is able to reflect and able to look at things non judgmental should be thanked everyday.

everyday.

this kind of human is worth a millions of dollars.

a billions of „thank you“ a day.

this kind of human is worth to be thanked and listened to and respected to. 

period. 

25th  November 2018 , Christina Dimitra