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„It´s never to late to apologize to another person.“ 

(And I am not a role model.)

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Never wanted to seem like a role model.

I always said that.

Straight from the beginning.

Still a great person. 

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Never wanted to act like a role model. Because I am not. I am wild. Free thinking. Expressive. Shy. Eccentric. Original. Sad. Straight. And I am a bold soul. I play big. I talk big or say nothing at all. I share big or isolate myself and work. I think big. I work intense. And that´s. what I choose daily. For now. 

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 And I am not afraid of others negative opinions about me anymore. I don´t give to much weiht on negative opinions. I am not dating. I don´t like the new way of communication.

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I am hard on myself. (I am working my ass off because I am highly productive…  I use my talents and keep up with my own daily rituals)

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It´s hard for me enough to keep up with my higher self.

I choose it and I can handle it.

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I produce so much… my head is fast and I am grateful to meet people with kind interest for my work and for my persona to talk about it.

People with open minds and open hearts and natural interest,  just ask.

I am interested in people´s stories, too. Maybe more than in mine.

But mostly I work so … I am continuing to reflect on myself…

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Honest communication is key. (is rare and we know this already. It´s okay. I don´t if this world will ever change… but I am changing my mind step by step) 

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I appreciate loyalty.

I appreciate honesty.

I appreciate support.

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And I appreciate a good sense of humor.

And I appreciate people with original mindsets and reflecting mindsets. 

Open enough to just accept and listen. 

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For me a beautiful mindset means: A forgiving attitude.

„Stop blaming me for not being able to forgive your past.“

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That means big strength, too. (In my eyes) 

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„It´s not easy to apologize, It´s not easy to forgive. It takes courage and years to open up all over again and again and again… „

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„It´s never to late to apologize if you have been ignorant to others feelings.“ 

(Do it if you feel like it one day and it´s means big strength and it takes courage to do so…)

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„For some reason people take my kindness for granted. I am not in need of love. I am sorry If you thought I am searching for your „Yes“ I „love myself enough to keep on my reflecting work.“

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You can not expect love from strangers.

I don´t.

Either you find it inside of you or you will always ask for it and wait for it…. I am loving myself enough because I decide it everyday…I am returning to my soul.. able to forgive and able to apologize and able to reflect on the past and focus on a new and better future.

(It´s not easy to love and accept myself. But I return daily and I remind myself daily. It´s work and it takes daily discipline and practice.)

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Real strength means : you are able to open up to yourself and keep on listening even if it´s painful. 

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I am not living this life for anybody else but for my soul. And If I am able to share my life with another person one day , I will for sure. I am willing to learn and I am willing to accept myself. 

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We don´t have to prove anybody that we are good or bad. We don´t. I consider myself as „bad“ because I was used to hear that. You know.. But I don´t wanna say I am good… that´s to much pressure for the rest of my life.

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„All my life I´ve been considered as the worse. Lying to my momma even stealing out her purse.“ (Biggie) 

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„He was really honest man…. Puh…“ (Respect you so much … so much…)

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We are filled with light and shadows.

That´s natural.

If you become honest… you will become a great artist.

That´s a big deal.

And the risk is bigger than you might think.

 I am risking: My whole family. 

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I started so honest.

And didn’t know people would read me in different areas in the world.

But still respect me.

Thank you for being a part of my healing journey.

I appreciate it endless and I always will.

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People will always find reasons – to blame another person, another culture, another situation…other men.. or the world… their own past … their whatever….

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It´s hard to become really honest with yourself and say: „Puh I should apologize right now. To myself, to my body again and to a few people.“ (or just use it creatively and write it down for your personal reasons and let it go right after. If you become honest with yourself you start healing. It´s the moment you start crying and understand how much strength it takes to listen… and follow your thought and go back to your past… to understand yourself… now.) 

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Most blame – cause it´s easy.

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It´s easier to blame another person.

It´s easier to blame and easy to regret right after.

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„How do you sleep? Stop blaming and you are going to sleep better.“ 

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Blame is easier. But it feels so much heavier. 

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I start reflecting on my own thoughts… I start with this woman right here… sometimes I forget that I am a woman. Friends of mine got to remind me more often… I forgot that I am a woman … and there are men out there who misunderstand my „truth“ sometimes.  (I say sometimes) 

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And it is sad that there are women out there who hate me for being myself right now and for healing the way I am right now. It´s a sad situation and sometimes I forget that it might seems so strong to them.

Because I do it on my own.

And I am used to that.

I am used to listen to myself.

To reflect.

It´s nothing new.

Still painful sometimes and heavy.

Sometimes joyful.

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It does not feel strange anymore.

I know myself because I am a good listener.

And my body reacts if I lie to myself. So I stopped 8 years ago and there are still misunderstandings with myself. It´s never done. The process for any of us continues for the rest of our lives. And that´s good.

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„I am starting crying now… that´s healing now…. I guess.. yeah this is healing… as she hurt me she gave me so much. I returned to myself and requested her love to me. She was my biggest teacher and she was the opposite I am today. She was willing to experience hell on earth. She was tired and stressed all the time. Because she was not able to forgive her past. She worked a lot. She was not willing to listen to herself. She wanted to continue the life as a victim and felt poor about herself as she did when she was younger. I felt she was in need of me. She could not be alone with herself. She didn’t like the idea of being alone. I felt I was responsible to help her. I don´t like the word „help“ anymore. Because you just help „weak minded people who are not willing to change and continue blaming others“

 I felt and I thought I was the only hope for her and kept reminding her … she did not listen. She didn´t. She was not willing to listen. Not willing to reflect on her decisions. She was ignorant to herself and her kids. And I don´t blame her. She was not able to open up to herself and just make her own decisions. I felt it was weak. I promised myself I want to become strong. Not weak. 

I felt she would wake up one day. 

But she never did till now… she is still blaming me for „hating“ on her.

She is still saying „I am blaming her.“

„I don´t hate her. I don´t blame her. I share my truth now. I decided to write and be the artist that I am today. And also the person that I am today. My reflecting journey is based on my personal truth. So, I wish her healing. I wish her to become honest with herself. I wish her tolerance for what I am today. Even if she doesn’t like. I am the artist you made out of me. I am the person you made out of me and I chose to change my mindset and open up creatively  and honesty. And therefore I say : 

„Thank you. Still. You made a radical feminist out of me. And he made me run my own race and become sure about myself. Remember?“ 

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(I still love em… But that´s how I love… because I am strong. She was not a reflected person but a great teacher. She was a hard lesson and a beautiful woman. She was a smart and intelligent woman. She was strong but weak with her decisions. She was lying to herself and to me. Straight into my face… day by day. So … Today … I am still single and she keeps asking me if I wanna marry … Is that important right now? Is this the answer for my problems?) 

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They are still waiting for me to say „Hey guys I am going to marry“ (That´s the easiest decision. I am still healing… That´s bigger right now. I don´t want to blame anyone who is entering my life. I choose respect and I choose eye level. I want trust.

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And that feels much better than blame.

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It´s easier to blame my past.

But I found a way to switch and to design my future.

I am willing to share my time with people because now I know it´s sucks to work isolated sometimes I want to listen to others.

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If I give up, I loose. I won´t give up. I am winning right now. So let´s continue… 

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I express my truth, I accept it.

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I accept my past, I write my words down , I share it … I open up for personal reasons. I open up for hope. Someone is going to read this… I am reading this first. And it feels good to be honest. It feels sad and good. Because It´s true.

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If I wanna start doing music, I do it because I want to use my emotions creatively. I don´t want to be fame. Look what happened to Amy. Her father was happy for her money. Great.

I choose safety within myself. 

I want to be sure about my steps.

I want to express my truth that´s it.  It´s a part of healing. (That´s how I look at it)

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I am opened enough and strong enough to accept my past and their pasts and their stories as I accept my life.

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I don´t give a shit about people who try to blame others for „being productive, for working hard, for changing their mindsets in order to succeed or for trying everyday… for choosing new ways…for being emotional.. for being high sensitive… cause I am.“ 

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I am not kind to „people“ who are not thankful for what I am now.

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I think they deserve to be ignored if they don´t like who I am right now… Go then. Don´t read me then.

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 I leave the table if there is no respect for me and no room for me to be myself…I choose to be my honest self.

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I am not afraid of their judgment. They can judge me. I am a white (almost white) woman.

So?

„Yeah come on yell at me. My attitude is to much right? Good. Is it because I am sure ?“ 

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I choose myself before anybody else.

I choose peaceful thinking.

Without judgment.

I am tired of heaviness.

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I am willing to listen to myself first and then to others.

I don´t go back to a life, based on misunderstandings.

Based on lies.

Who wants that? 

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Around 3 years ago I wrote this:

„a) Adult Song – a communication that doesn’t´t seem that honest anymore.“ 

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(Just think about it. Honesty is rare. Most are afraid of themselves.)

I am confronting myself everyday. And I am scared, too. But I am willing to continue.

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I trust mostly in myself. I trust in god.

But I got trust issues with others.

I love animals most.

And kids.

Kids are pure and honest.

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I can´t stand liars.

And most keep lying to themselves.

And that makes it a bit hard for me to accept this fact.

Honesty is rare because most people don´t even know themselves. 

And I accept that.

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